Things are coming together for me for the first time in what seems like a very long time. No longer do i look back and wonder what went wrong in the past year or so, i now am just looking forward to every new challenge that comes my way with every new day. After a recent discussion i had with pretty much the entirety of my immediate family, I have put down on paper some goals i would like to accomplish in the next year, three years, five years, etc... first and foremost i am planning on going back to school and getting a degree. The motivation has been lacking in recent years but I've come to the conclusion that this is the route that i want to take. I want to pursue a history degree and maybe take certifications to become a teacher (high school history teacher sounds awesome). Other smaller personal goals include: paying off my debt, living a healthier lifestyle, working more, and not making excuses to get outta the house and having some fun. this year feels like its going to rule, the fact that im finally living for myself and no one else is such a positive reinforcement of this. The home im living in is a healthy environment and has become like a second family to me, I'm making a great circle of friends out here that motivate me to become a better person, i'm actually constantly making new goals for myself, I'm branching out and trying to make new friends out here outside of my coworkers, and im trying to be more accepting of people in general (not jumping to the conclusion that everyone pretty much sucks until proven otherwise).

The positive motivation is back. lets just hope i can keep this momentum going. It's finally starting to feel like home here in Colorado - i'm getting used to the colder weather, beautiful scenery, people are awesome, and my extended family out here are keeping me afloat. this is such an awesome feeling.

list of things i wish to accomplish by xmas of 2011


* to be completely debt free
* go skiing/snowboarding
* go hiking
* go rock climbing (indoor or outdoor)
* go fishing
* go skydiving
* go camping
* go hunting
* go river rafting
* experiment more with cooking (maybe take a class)
* start to get fit (some kind of healthy regiment)
* get CCW and get training (basic survival and real life situations)
* take basic first aid training


things i wish to purchase

* printer
* nice digital camera
* AR15
* new wardrobe


i can add to this as i think of more, but i think this is a good start...

ups and downs, we all have them...

ups and downs. we all have them...

there are days here when i feel like so elated. like all i can do is smile. like this decision was exactly the breath of fresh air i needed. I can go exploring the new terrain, find interesting historical sights, or just beauties of nature. the weather is fantastic, the people im starting to meet make me enjoy myself, and every day it seems like something new.

then some days i feel alone. i miss seeing my cousins every weekend. i miss that feeling of familiarity. i miss being able to call someone up at any given time just to go watch the UFC fights, or just go out for a beer. i miss the friends and fond memories of florida. i miss having a girl to come home and cuddle up with. i miss love. i miss being loved.

i hate this feeling of having to prove this was the "right" decision. to myself. to everytone. to anyone. im constantly questioning "am i doing enough?" when i shouldnt be. i should just be enjoying every day that im alive and healthy. but i constantly feel like i should be doing more with my life, and that my youth is fleeting. the ability to live my life is on my doorstep but im too afraid to let it in.


when i hear this song its almost like its speaking directly at me...





ANOTHER BREATH - "walls without windows"

I'm at the threshold between chapters of my life deciding the price of turning the page. How much more? How much time? Trying in figure out what I stand to leave behind. Trying to figure out what I hope to gain. I need to make it on my own. Sometimes I get thinking about moving on. Taking one last glance behind me then walking away. But how could I face myself if at twenty-three I just let go, said good-bye to the best days of my life. i get so hung up on the feeling of staring at the sunshine in the side-view just thinking how we have it all. We took it all. Yeah we take everything.This world is ours We could embrace it or we could torch it just to watch it burn. We've raced the sun. We've fought the ocean. Outrun the law on our drives toward tomorrows that were faced never with doubts, but with anticipation. "I closed my eyes. In that moment I tried to imprint on my brain what it feels like to be young. To be young and have nothing else matter." Nothing else matters. But I can feel this slipping away and I want to hold on with all of my strength. Youth his an opportunity. Take advantage before it's gone

i dont know where it came from, but for as long as i can remember ive been afraid of heights. when i was really young i knew it didnt effect me as much as it does now. i remember a trip to oregon years ago when me and my mother were the only ones that werent afraid of going on a lift up the huge mountain side. nowadays that would scare me to death.

then i started to notice/realize something on my trip/move out to colorado. i noticed, maybe subconsciously, that i decided to take on my fear of heights head on. the first sign of this was in NYC when i decided to go up to the top of the empire state building. it was scary, but not as scary as i thought it was going to be. then we went to cedar point in ohio, where i went on a 300 foot tall roller coaster with an 80* drop, that was scary as all hell - my heart still beats heavy when i think about that incline! then the real test came when we visited chicago and we went all the way up in the Willis tower (formerly sears tower). there was a glass bottom booth that you could walk out on, 103 stories up. this was honestly one of the scariest moments of my life: my heart was pumping, testosterone flowing, i was literally scared stiff. but i did it, i was scared but i still tested my limits and did these things. the next test was when i first got to denver, driving up the side of mount evans, where we were literally going up a road that was 14000 feet up, windy roads with no guard rails looking over straight drop offs, at times i couldnt look out the car windows, at times i forced myself too. i wanted to face my fear.

after that i kinda thought, well i can do this, i can face my fear of heights at every turn. this was thwarted of course sunday night when my friend mags decided to bring me up on top of the denver convention center. we had to climb some fences because the roof was off limits, but we succeeded in getting all the way up on the roof. now the real test came: there was an inclined part of the roof that went up higher, and because i am the over-analyzer i am, i looked at the structural integrity, felt the little wind gust, and with better judgment decided against going any further up. i know people have been up there before, in groups, and probably heavy amounts of snow too, i just dont know why my instincts were to not try it out. yesterday in colorado springs, as me and nina were driving around the mountains the urge to test my fear came over me again. i got out numerous times at points that were right near large cliffs, and decided i could stand there without fear and take pictures. it was awesome, and it felt so great to say to myself i was doing something i knew i was afraid to do, something i knew a couple months before that i would never be doing. the feeling was awesome.


so now comes the point in the story where i am trying to tell myself to start tackling another fear of mine. this fear, only came about recently, and its absolutely crippling. its my fear of putting myself out there to be hurt again. for many months i have tried to turn off my feelings, and in turn i have turned off myself to other people. im afraid of meeting people. more importantly i am afraid of meeting someone that is right for me, that i could possibly have a relationship with. i am afraid of getting hurt in the long run again, and that is no way to live. i really have to get out there and learn from my mistakes and let someone else prove me wrong that all women arent thoughtless and incredibly selfish individuals. i know im just bitter, and i know im still hurting, but i want to be able to open up and just love like i once loved my ex. that genuine love. that life shattering love. that full of promise love. that hope. that kinda love. to find that, im going to have to open up again, im going to have to put myself out there, and most importantly im going to have to tackle my fear of getting hurt again. i never was afraid to fight. i never was afraid of getting hurt. i never was afraid of much but now every day im afraid to let people in because of this fear of getting trampled emotionally. friends and females alike. but this, this is my new goal. to over come. to tackle it. to face it head on. to break through this fear and come out a new man on the other side. ready to live. and ready to love. it still may take some time but i am hoping i am ready.

I used to cook all the time for me and my ex. it was one of those things that i did that made me really happy because not only am i big fan of food, but i also felt like i was helping her out so much. she was always busy between working full time and school full time, and with me cooking all the time and cleaning around the house i knew it took the added pressure/stress off of her shoulders. when she left me earlier this year i no longer had the passion or drive to cook (amongst other things). and this has been something i wanted to regain for some time now. i finally feel like my passion for cooking has returned, and i have to say that im so happy it did. its been almost 6 months since i took my time in the kitchen to cook up a fabulous meal. These dishes are usually inspired by my imagination, what ingredients are available to me, and getting tips while watching too much of the food network (this is one reason i miss having cable). so without further babbling, these are some of the dishes i have come up with in the past 10 days...



this was kind of a repeat recipe i have done in the past, a mix of fresh ingredients that blend nicely together. it was a garlic and herb roasted marinade on the chicken, bacon, kielbasa, black eyed peas, and brown rice. this combination of ingredients made such an awesome taste profile that i was overly delighted.





this was my favorite dish ive made so far: bacon wrapped thinly sliced boneless pork chops, sauteed on the gas stove. accompanied by sauteed veggies consisting of squash, zucchini, asparagus, green beans, yellow onion, green peppers, and grape tomatoes. honestly you throw in some cooked tomatoes and bacon and im in love...





this was the first part of the next dish i made for me and mel (who doesnt usually eat meat). i made chicken fajitas, with a completely vegetarian option for mel (who ended up eating the chicken anyways hehe). i grilled some chicken strips in a seperate pan, not cross contamination any meat with the veggies. the veggies consisted of squash, zucchini, asparagus, green beans, red onions, yellow onions, green peppers, red peppers, and garlic. i made them cadillac style with black beans and brown rice. ate them with whole wheat tortillas, this was probably one of the most healthiest dishes i have ever prepared...





this is what i made tonight. the first major salad that i tried to tackle. it has fresh romaine hearts cut from the stalk. ripe tomatoes, crunchy croutons, red onions, feta cheese, bacon, grilled chicken, dried cranberries, and a raspberry vinaigrette. this was uber delicious let me tell you what.


so anyways, i hope to keep track of some other meals i make during my first year in denver. i know it may sound funny to some of you, but it really has helped me regain some of my confidence that i lost over the past few months. i figure, one step at a time. but in the mean time, if anyone wants to stop over and have a deliciously prepared meal... id be more than happy to accomodate :)

i left. it was all up to chance. i packaged hope in a vessel. escaped before i completely lost it all - my wits and my self respect. my courage was shrouded in doubt. my youth abandoned. like raindrops my tears fell onto paper everynight. i had no other option but to leave it all behind. she left me half hearted. the reason this long journey takes place. yearning to find the other piece. wanting to feel whole. it started pouring in florida the day that i left. a sign you all are going to miss me there (reciprocated). but this was for me. i found faith: in the unknown. in myself. this time i will be stronger. this chapter is about new beginnings. and im ready to turn the page.

a funny thing just occurred to me: my life has been littered with girls named nicole (or the variant nikki). i believe my first crush was a girl named nicole, and even my first make out sesh (on katy macys trampoline in middle school) was with another girl named nicole. there's been other nicoles and nikkis along the way, but two firmly stick out in my mind...

first off, i just got off the phone earlier with nicole judd. some people from west palm may know her, or even remember her, but i havent talked to this girl in a good 6 years (at least). a few years back i tried to search for her on myspace, googled her, and even asked around about her, but my search was futile. that was until facebook suggested i be friends with her a week back. fucking A i almost shit a brick (pardon the language). this girl was my best friend back in high school. I remember spending like every waking moment with her: picking her up every morning before school, hanging out at school, going to work and then heading to her place for a few hours after work before calling it a night - and then doing it all over again the next day. We knew each other like the back of our hands, and we were there for each other when it really mattered. it was my teenage angst years (when i was trying to find myself and right before i started drinking heavily); and for her she was having constant problems with her family. at some point in my sophomore year she transfered schools and we lost that closeness. She was my date to the prom my junior year and during the summer before i left for college she spent a few nights with me at random places. and then one day she vanished. i had no idea where she disappeared to. it wasnt until maybe a year later that tamas surprised me for my birthday by bringing her up to orlando to see me. in retrospect i remember tearing up seeing her again, and just hugging her for minutes. we saw each other one more time in wpb about 6+ years ago and since then she was MIA again (she has this distinct way of disappearing on me). one thing i remember vividly is how beautiful she was. reminiscing and catching up on the phone call was nice, but in a way its tragic how our friendship (which at one time was the only thing worth anything to me) kinda ebbed and flowed over the years and eventually flopped. i hope this time around, she will actually hold to her word and keep in touch.

the other one i was referring to is Nikki DeMonte, currently the most amazing person in my life. i've known nikki for years now, i met her at a show around 6 years ago and since then i have been mesmerized by how amazing she is. seriously from the time we met she has been nothing but gracious, caring, and non stop fun. she is my best friend, knows me in and out - and vice versa. we had so much fun taking photos for hours and just goofing off, hanging out and just being nerds. and she was there for me and i was there for her during some tough times for both of us (this seems to be the trend). for the longest time we were inseparable, no matter if i had a girlfriend or she had a boyfriend we always did our thing and let no one come between us. well, somewhere along the way we had a falling out (i dont place blame but she birthed a kid, and i had a selfish broad) but three years later we found that spark again. nowadays i wish i was as much of a part of her life as i used to be but with everything that's going on in her life she just doesn't have the time (and i understand). i cant go a day without thinking about her. In my world, she means so much to me im just lucky to have any time at all. She's the most beautiful person i know inside and out, and has grown into such a wonderful young lady. in a time where i doubt a lot of things in my life, she has my heart. i sometimes wish i moved to PA instead of here, just so i could hang out with her like everyday. im a boy that still dreams...


this is all just a weird parallel that i realized today... nicole and nikki are both beautiful blondes that are/were my best friends, and two awesome ladies. for a better part of my life these two ladies have been my support, and in a way my better half. out of all the girls that have come in and out of my life these i feel will be two of the greatest :)