list of things i wish to accomplish by xmas of 2011
* to be completely debt free
* go skiing/snowboarding
* go hiking
* go rock climbing (indoor or outdoor)
* go fishing
* go skydiving
* go camping
* go hunting
* go river rafting
* experiment more with cooking (maybe take a class)
* start to get fit (some kind of healthy regiment)
* get CCW and get training (basic survival and real life situations)
* take basic first aid training
things i wish to purchase
* printer
* nice digital camera
* AR15
* new wardrobe
i can add to this as i think of more, but i think this is a good start...
Thursday, September 2, 2010
ups and downs, we all have them...
ups and downs. we all have them...
there are days here when i feel like so elated. like all i can do is smile. like this decision was exactly the breath of fresh air i needed. I can go exploring the new terrain, find interesting historical sights, or just beauties of nature. the weather is fantastic, the people im starting to meet make me enjoy myself, and every day it seems like something new.
then some days i feel alone. i miss seeing my cousins every weekend. i miss that feeling of familiarity. i miss being able to call someone up at any given time just to go watch the UFC fights, or just go out for a beer. i miss the friends and fond memories of florida. i miss having a girl to come home and cuddle up with. i miss love. i miss being loved.
i hate this feeling of having to prove this was the "right" decision. to myself. to everytone. to anyone. im constantly questioning "am i doing enough?" when i shouldnt be. i should just be enjoying every day that im alive and healthy. but i constantly feel like i should be doing more with my life, and that my youth is fleeting. the ability to live my life is on my doorstep but im too afraid to let it in.
when i hear this song its almost like its speaking directly at me...
ANOTHER BREATH - "walls without windows"
I'm at the threshold between chapters of my life deciding the price of turning the page. How much more? How much time? Trying in figure out what I stand to leave behind. Trying to figure out what I hope to gain. I need to make it on my own. Sometimes I get thinking about moving on. Taking one last glance behind me then walking away. But how could I face myself if at twenty-three I just let go, said good-bye to the best days of my life. i get so hung up on the feeling of staring at the sunshine in the side-view just thinking how we have it all. We took it all. Yeah we take everything.This world is ours We could embrace it or we could torch it just to watch it burn. We've raced the sun. We've fought the ocean. Outrun the law on our drives toward tomorrows that were faced never with doubts, but with anticipation. "I closed my eyes. In that moment I tried to imprint on my brain what it feels like to be young. To be young and have nothing else matter." Nothing else matters. But I can feel this slipping away and I want to hold on with all of my strength. Youth his an opportunity. Take advantage before it's gone
there are days here when i feel like so elated. like all i can do is smile. like this decision was exactly the breath of fresh air i needed. I can go exploring the new terrain, find interesting historical sights, or just beauties of nature. the weather is fantastic, the people im starting to meet make me enjoy myself, and every day it seems like something new.
then some days i feel alone. i miss seeing my cousins every weekend. i miss that feeling of familiarity. i miss being able to call someone up at any given time just to go watch the UFC fights, or just go out for a beer. i miss the friends and fond memories of florida. i miss having a girl to come home and cuddle up with. i miss love. i miss being loved.
i hate this feeling of having to prove this was the "right" decision. to myself. to everytone. to anyone. im constantly questioning "am i doing enough?" when i shouldnt be. i should just be enjoying every day that im alive and healthy. but i constantly feel like i should be doing more with my life, and that my youth is fleeting. the ability to live my life is on my doorstep but im too afraid to let it in.
when i hear this song its almost like its speaking directly at me...
ANOTHER BREATH - "walls without windows"
I'm at the threshold between chapters of my life deciding the price of turning the page. How much more? How much time? Trying in figure out what I stand to leave behind. Trying to figure out what I hope to gain. I need to make it on my own. Sometimes I get thinking about moving on. Taking one last glance behind me then walking away. But how could I face myself if at twenty-three I just let go, said good-bye to the best days of my life. i get so hung up on the feeling of staring at the sunshine in the side-view just thinking how we have it all. We took it all. Yeah we take everything.This world is ours We could embrace it or we could torch it just to watch it burn. We've raced the sun. We've fought the ocean. Outrun the law on our drives toward tomorrows that were faced never with doubts, but with anticipation. "I closed my eyes. In that moment I tried to imprint on my brain what it feels like to be young. To be young and have nothing else matter." Nothing else matters. But I can feel this slipping away and I want to hold on with all of my strength. Youth his an opportunity. Take advantage before it's gone
Thursday, August 26, 2010
i dont know where it came from, but for as long as i can remember ive been afraid of heights. when i was really young i knew it didnt effect me as much as it does now. i remember a trip to oregon years ago when me and my mother were the only ones that werent afraid of going on a lift up the huge mountain side. nowadays that would scare me to death.
then i started to notice/realize something on my trip/move out to colorado. i noticed, maybe subconsciously, that i decided to take on my fear of heights head on. the first sign of this was in NYC when i decided to go up to the top of the empire state building. it was scary, but not as scary as i thought it was going to be. then we went to cedar point in ohio, where i went on a 300 foot tall roller coaster with an 80* drop, that was scary as all hell - my heart still beats heavy when i think about that incline! then the real test came when we visited chicago and we went all the way up in the Willis tower (formerly sears tower). there was a glass bottom booth that you could walk out on, 103 stories up. this was honestly one of the scariest moments of my life: my heart was pumping, testosterone flowing, i was literally scared stiff. but i did it, i was scared but i still tested my limits and did these things. the next test was when i first got to denver, driving up the side of mount evans, where we were literally going up a road that was 14000 feet up, windy roads with no guard rails looking over straight drop offs, at times i couldnt look out the car windows, at times i forced myself too. i wanted to face my fear.
after that i kinda thought, well i can do this, i can face my fear of heights at every turn. this was thwarted of course sunday night when my friend mags decided to bring me up on top of the denver convention center. we had to climb some fences because the roof was off limits, but we succeeded in getting all the way up on the roof. now the real test came: there was an inclined part of the roof that went up higher, and because i am the over-analyzer i am, i looked at the structural integrity, felt the little wind gust, and with better judgment decided against going any further up. i know people have been up there before, in groups, and probably heavy amounts of snow too, i just dont know why my instincts were to not try it out. yesterday in colorado springs, as me and nina were driving around the mountains the urge to test my fear came over me again. i got out numerous times at points that were right near large cliffs, and decided i could stand there without fear and take pictures. it was awesome, and it felt so great to say to myself i was doing something i knew i was afraid to do, something i knew a couple months before that i would never be doing. the feeling was awesome.
so now comes the point in the story where i am trying to tell myself to start tackling another fear of mine. this fear, only came about recently, and its absolutely crippling. its my fear of putting myself out there to be hurt again. for many months i have tried to turn off my feelings, and in turn i have turned off myself to other people. im afraid of meeting people. more importantly i am afraid of meeting someone that is right for me, that i could possibly have a relationship with. i am afraid of getting hurt in the long run again, and that is no way to live. i really have to get out there and learn from my mistakes and let someone else prove me wrong that all women arent thoughtless and incredibly selfish individuals. i know im just bitter, and i know im still hurting, but i want to be able to open up and just love like i once loved my ex. that genuine love. that life shattering love. that full of promise love. that hope. that kinda love. to find that, im going to have to open up again, im going to have to put myself out there, and most importantly im going to have to tackle my fear of getting hurt again. i never was afraid to fight. i never was afraid of getting hurt. i never was afraid of much but now every day im afraid to let people in because of this fear of getting trampled emotionally. friends and females alike. but this, this is my new goal. to over come. to tackle it. to face it head on. to break through this fear and come out a new man on the other side. ready to live. and ready to love. it still may take some time but i am hoping i am ready.
then i started to notice/realize something on my trip/move out to colorado. i noticed, maybe subconsciously, that i decided to take on my fear of heights head on. the first sign of this was in NYC when i decided to go up to the top of the empire state building. it was scary, but not as scary as i thought it was going to be. then we went to cedar point in ohio, where i went on a 300 foot tall roller coaster with an 80* drop, that was scary as all hell - my heart still beats heavy when i think about that incline! then the real test came when we visited chicago and we went all the way up in the Willis tower (formerly sears tower). there was a glass bottom booth that you could walk out on, 103 stories up. this was honestly one of the scariest moments of my life: my heart was pumping, testosterone flowing, i was literally scared stiff. but i did it, i was scared but i still tested my limits and did these things. the next test was when i first got to denver, driving up the side of mount evans, where we were literally going up a road that was 14000 feet up, windy roads with no guard rails looking over straight drop offs, at times i couldnt look out the car windows, at times i forced myself too. i wanted to face my fear.
after that i kinda thought, well i can do this, i can face my fear of heights at every turn. this was thwarted of course sunday night when my friend mags decided to bring me up on top of the denver convention center. we had to climb some fences because the roof was off limits, but we succeeded in getting all the way up on the roof. now the real test came: there was an inclined part of the roof that went up higher, and because i am the over-analyzer i am, i looked at the structural integrity, felt the little wind gust, and with better judgment decided against going any further up. i know people have been up there before, in groups, and probably heavy amounts of snow too, i just dont know why my instincts were to not try it out. yesterday in colorado springs, as me and nina were driving around the mountains the urge to test my fear came over me again. i got out numerous times at points that were right near large cliffs, and decided i could stand there without fear and take pictures. it was awesome, and it felt so great to say to myself i was doing something i knew i was afraid to do, something i knew a couple months before that i would never be doing. the feeling was awesome.
so now comes the point in the story where i am trying to tell myself to start tackling another fear of mine. this fear, only came about recently, and its absolutely crippling. its my fear of putting myself out there to be hurt again. for many months i have tried to turn off my feelings, and in turn i have turned off myself to other people. im afraid of meeting people. more importantly i am afraid of meeting someone that is right for me, that i could possibly have a relationship with. i am afraid of getting hurt in the long run again, and that is no way to live. i really have to get out there and learn from my mistakes and let someone else prove me wrong that all women arent thoughtless and incredibly selfish individuals. i know im just bitter, and i know im still hurting, but i want to be able to open up and just love like i once loved my ex. that genuine love. that life shattering love. that full of promise love. that hope. that kinda love. to find that, im going to have to open up again, im going to have to put myself out there, and most importantly im going to have to tackle my fear of getting hurt again. i never was afraid to fight. i never was afraid of getting hurt. i never was afraid of much but now every day im afraid to let people in because of this fear of getting trampled emotionally. friends and females alike. but this, this is my new goal. to over come. to tackle it. to face it head on. to break through this fear and come out a new man on the other side. ready to live. and ready to love. it still may take some time but i am hoping i am ready.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
I used to cook all the time for me and my ex. it was one of those things that i did that made me really happy because not only am i big fan of food, but i also felt like i was helping her out so much. she was always busy between working full time and school full time, and with me cooking all the time and cleaning around the house i knew it took the added pressure/stress off of her shoulders. when she left me earlier this year i no longer had the passion or drive to cook (amongst other things). and this has been something i wanted to regain for some time now. i finally feel like my passion for cooking has returned, and i have to say that im so happy it did. its been almost 6 months since i took my time in the kitchen to cook up a fabulous meal. These dishes are usually inspired by my imagination, what ingredients are available to me, and getting tips while watching too much of the food network (this is one reason i miss having cable). so without further babbling, these are some of the dishes i have come up with in the past 10 days...
this was kind of a repeat recipe i have done in the past, a mix of fresh ingredients that blend nicely together. it was a garlic and herb roasted marinade on the chicken, bacon, kielbasa, black eyed peas, and brown rice. this combination of ingredients made such an awesome taste profile that i was overly delighted.
this was my favorite dish ive made so far: bacon wrapped thinly sliced boneless pork chops, sauteed on the gas stove. accompanied by sauteed veggies consisting of squash, zucchini, asparagus, green beans, yellow onion, green peppers, and grape tomatoes. honestly you throw in some cooked tomatoes and bacon and im in love...
this was the first part of the next dish i made for me and mel (who doesnt usually eat meat). i made chicken fajitas, with a completely vegetarian option for mel (who ended up eating the chicken anyways hehe). i grilled some chicken strips in a seperate pan, not cross contamination any meat with the veggies. the veggies consisted of squash, zucchini, asparagus, green beans, red onions, yellow onions, green peppers, red peppers, and garlic. i made them cadillac style with black beans and brown rice. ate them with whole wheat tortillas, this was probably one of the most healthiest dishes i have ever prepared...
this is what i made tonight. the first major salad that i tried to tackle. it has fresh romaine hearts cut from the stalk. ripe tomatoes, crunchy croutons, red onions, feta cheese, bacon, grilled chicken, dried cranberries, and a raspberry vinaigrette. this was uber delicious let me tell you what.
so anyways, i hope to keep track of some other meals i make during my first year in denver. i know it may sound funny to some of you, but it really has helped me regain some of my confidence that i lost over the past few months. i figure, one step at a time. but in the mean time, if anyone wants to stop over and have a deliciously prepared meal... id be more than happy to accomodate :)
this was kind of a repeat recipe i have done in the past, a mix of fresh ingredients that blend nicely together. it was a garlic and herb roasted marinade on the chicken, bacon, kielbasa, black eyed peas, and brown rice. this combination of ingredients made such an awesome taste profile that i was overly delighted.
this was my favorite dish ive made so far: bacon wrapped thinly sliced boneless pork chops, sauteed on the gas stove. accompanied by sauteed veggies consisting of squash, zucchini, asparagus, green beans, yellow onion, green peppers, and grape tomatoes. honestly you throw in some cooked tomatoes and bacon and im in love...
this was the first part of the next dish i made for me and mel (who doesnt usually eat meat). i made chicken fajitas, with a completely vegetarian option for mel (who ended up eating the chicken anyways hehe). i grilled some chicken strips in a seperate pan, not cross contamination any meat with the veggies. the veggies consisted of squash, zucchini, asparagus, green beans, red onions, yellow onions, green peppers, red peppers, and garlic. i made them cadillac style with black beans and brown rice. ate them with whole wheat tortillas, this was probably one of the most healthiest dishes i have ever prepared...
this is what i made tonight. the first major salad that i tried to tackle. it has fresh romaine hearts cut from the stalk. ripe tomatoes, crunchy croutons, red onions, feta cheese, bacon, grilled chicken, dried cranberries, and a raspberry vinaigrette. this was uber delicious let me tell you what.
so anyways, i hope to keep track of some other meals i make during my first year in denver. i know it may sound funny to some of you, but it really has helped me regain some of my confidence that i lost over the past few months. i figure, one step at a time. but in the mean time, if anyone wants to stop over and have a deliciously prepared meal... id be more than happy to accomodate :)
Monday, August 2, 2010
i left. it was all up to chance. i packaged hope in a vessel. escaped before i completely lost it all - my wits and my self respect. my courage was shrouded in doubt. my youth abandoned. like raindrops my tears fell onto paper everynight. i had no other option but to leave it all behind. she left me half hearted. the reason this long journey takes place. yearning to find the other piece. wanting to feel whole. it started pouring in florida the day that i left. a sign you all are going to miss me there (reciprocated). but this was for me. i found faith: in the unknown. in myself. this time i will be stronger. this chapter is about new beginnings. and im ready to turn the page.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
a funny thing just occurred to me: my life has been littered with girls named nicole (or the variant nikki). i believe my first crush was a girl named nicole, and even my first make out sesh (on katy macys trampoline in middle school) was with another girl named nicole. there's been other nicoles and nikkis along the way, but two firmly stick out in my mind...
first off, i just got off the phone earlier with nicole judd. some people from west palm may know her, or even remember her, but i havent talked to this girl in a good 6 years (at least). a few years back i tried to search for her on myspace, googled her, and even asked around about her, but my search was futile. that was until facebook suggested i be friends with her a week back. fucking A i almost shit a brick (pardon the language). this girl was my best friend back in high school. I remember spending like every waking moment with her: picking her up every morning before school, hanging out at school, going to work and then heading to her place for a few hours after work before calling it a night - and then doing it all over again the next day. We knew each other like the back of our hands, and we were there for each other when it really mattered. it was my teenage angst years (when i was trying to find myself and right before i started drinking heavily); and for her she was having constant problems with her family. at some point in my sophomore year she transfered schools and we lost that closeness. She was my date to the prom my junior year and during the summer before i left for college she spent a few nights with me at random places. and then one day she vanished. i had no idea where she disappeared to. it wasnt until maybe a year later that tamas surprised me for my birthday by bringing her up to orlando to see me. in retrospect i remember tearing up seeing her again, and just hugging her for minutes. we saw each other one more time in wpb about 6+ years ago and since then she was MIA again (she has this distinct way of disappearing on me). one thing i remember vividly is how beautiful she was. reminiscing and catching up on the phone call was nice, but in a way its tragic how our friendship (which at one time was the only thing worth anything to me) kinda ebbed and flowed over the years and eventually flopped. i hope this time around, she will actually hold to her word and keep in touch.
the other one i was referring to is Nikki DeMonte, currently the most amazing person in my life. i've known nikki for years now, i met her at a show around 6 years ago and since then i have been mesmerized by how amazing she is. seriously from the time we met she has been nothing but gracious, caring, and non stop fun. she is my best friend, knows me in and out - and vice versa. we had so much fun taking photos for hours and just goofing off, hanging out and just being nerds. and she was there for me and i was there for her during some tough times for both of us (this seems to be the trend). for the longest time we were inseparable, no matter if i had a girlfriend or she had a boyfriend we always did our thing and let no one come between us. well, somewhere along the way we had a falling out (i dont place blame but she birthed a kid, and i had a selfish broad) but three years later we found that spark again. nowadays i wish i was as much of a part of her life as i used to be but with everything that's going on in her life she just doesn't have the time (and i understand). i cant go a day without thinking about her. In my world, she means so much to me im just lucky to have any time at all. She's the most beautiful person i know inside and out, and has grown into such a wonderful young lady. in a time where i doubt a lot of things in my life, she has my heart. i sometimes wish i moved to PA instead of here, just so i could hang out with her like everyday. im a boy that still dreams...
this is all just a weird parallel that i realized today... nicole and nikki are both beautiful blondes that are/were my best friends, and two awesome ladies. for a better part of my life these two ladies have been my support, and in a way my better half. out of all the girls that have come in and out of my life these i feel will be two of the greatest :)
first off, i just got off the phone earlier with nicole judd. some people from west palm may know her, or even remember her, but i havent talked to this girl in a good 6 years (at least). a few years back i tried to search for her on myspace, googled her, and even asked around about her, but my search was futile. that was until facebook suggested i be friends with her a week back. fucking A i almost shit a brick (pardon the language). this girl was my best friend back in high school. I remember spending like every waking moment with her: picking her up every morning before school, hanging out at school, going to work and then heading to her place for a few hours after work before calling it a night - and then doing it all over again the next day. We knew each other like the back of our hands, and we were there for each other when it really mattered. it was my teenage angst years (when i was trying to find myself and right before i started drinking heavily); and for her she was having constant problems with her family. at some point in my sophomore year she transfered schools and we lost that closeness. She was my date to the prom my junior year and during the summer before i left for college she spent a few nights with me at random places. and then one day she vanished. i had no idea where she disappeared to. it wasnt until maybe a year later that tamas surprised me for my birthday by bringing her up to orlando to see me. in retrospect i remember tearing up seeing her again, and just hugging her for minutes. we saw each other one more time in wpb about 6+ years ago and since then she was MIA again (she has this distinct way of disappearing on me). one thing i remember vividly is how beautiful she was. reminiscing and catching up on the phone call was nice, but in a way its tragic how our friendship (which at one time was the only thing worth anything to me) kinda ebbed and flowed over the years and eventually flopped. i hope this time around, she will actually hold to her word and keep in touch.
the other one i was referring to is Nikki DeMonte, currently the most amazing person in my life. i've known nikki for years now, i met her at a show around 6 years ago and since then i have been mesmerized by how amazing she is. seriously from the time we met she has been nothing but gracious, caring, and non stop fun. she is my best friend, knows me in and out - and vice versa. we had so much fun taking photos for hours and just goofing off, hanging out and just being nerds. and she was there for me and i was there for her during some tough times for both of us (this seems to be the trend). for the longest time we were inseparable, no matter if i had a girlfriend or she had a boyfriend we always did our thing and let no one come between us. well, somewhere along the way we had a falling out (i dont place blame but she birthed a kid, and i had a selfish broad) but three years later we found that spark again. nowadays i wish i was as much of a part of her life as i used to be but with everything that's going on in her life she just doesn't have the time (and i understand). i cant go a day without thinking about her. In my world, she means so much to me im just lucky to have any time at all. She's the most beautiful person i know inside and out, and has grown into such a wonderful young lady. in a time where i doubt a lot of things in my life, she has my heart. i sometimes wish i moved to PA instead of here, just so i could hang out with her like everyday. im a boy that still dreams...
this is all just a weird parallel that i realized today... nicole and nikki are both beautiful blondes that are/were my best friends, and two awesome ladies. for a better part of my life these two ladies have been my support, and in a way my better half. out of all the girls that have come in and out of my life these i feel will be two of the greatest :)
Thursday, July 29, 2010
I have to preface this by saying this is going to get very personal, so if you dont want to read it i suggest you stop now. At the same time i am trying to get all philosophical which im not good at. if anything, my new friend nina has inspired me to blog about this transition that happened so recently in my life for the better. like, its weird to say that this is exactly where i want to be at in my life, as far as at this moment in time. furthermore it's weird to me that a decision i made two months ago has turned into exactly what i needed to lift me from the rut i was in and put me back on my feet...
the truth of the matter is in February of this year i had everything that i built up around myself in the past (nearly) 4 years come crumbling down (metaphorically of course). i had what i perceived to be a perfect relationship with a girl i was completely in love with. out of nowhere she came to me in december and said she wasnt happy, and i tried for two long months to not only reignite a spark in her but also fight for something that i thought was worth fighting for. ive been in many fights in my life (NOT bragging or proud of this fact) but this was the one fight i wish i could have won. but the fact is, there was no turning it around, there was no changing her mind for her heart was already made up and she was ready to move on. [her myriad of excuses are not worth repeating because i dont wish to paint her in a bad picture, i may have been bitter at one point but now i try not to hold any ill will.] so when the time came and she let me go it felt like i had nothing to stand on anymore. i made the mistake of putting her happiness in front of mine (a rookie mistake - my previous longest relationship was about 6 months), and in the long run i made too many sacrifices for her sake during those years and didnt really make a lot of decisions for myself. waiting for her to finish school i became complacent in life, and that in itself is a huge bum out to think about now.
so the hole was formed and i stayed in it for awhile. until one day a friend says "this isnt you, this bummed out emo guy isnt you at all. you're tim red. you're a fun loving guy. you always are so much fun and i hate seeing you like this." a spark was lit under my ass. the mission was simple - do something with my life and get out of this slump. but first, i had to get out of florida. and then thats when my best friend brian had a long talk with me about the possibility of moving out to denver. it took me three weeks to think over what my life would be like if i moved. i had to think of job oppurtunities (since the job market is terrible). i had to think about moving out of my comfort zone and into a place where i wouldnt be comfortable - at least not right away. I'd have to get used to not being around my friends or family that id gotten so close with in the past few years. and most of all, id have to get used to living for myself again instead of living for someone else.
but i made that decision and two months later here i sit and write this and i think to myself: i am a better man today than i was yesterday. i have made this decision for myself. i am finally living my life for me. i took a leap and i have landed on my feet running. im so motivated to make something of this transition that it has even surprised me. I've gone out and got a job within three weeks of being here through pure determination. i got a license, and switched my insurance over, and got a new tag and registration all making my residence here official. there are many more factors that have to come into play before this truly feels like "home" but i finally feel like ive made the right decision.
through life im guessing there are going to be many more tough decisions to be made. though this was probably the hardest decision i had to make in my life so far because it really did mean i was leaving everything behind to start a new life somewhere unfamiliar to me. I've had really good friends who have stepped up and made this transition easier. ive had strangers open their houses and hearts to me in ways i cant even begin to express my gratitude towards. and my family and friends that have been supportive every step of the way... my appreciation is uncanny.
in closing, my friend huffine said to me not too long ago: "ive been there before, the break up after the long relationship is rough. it took me close to 6 months to realize i just wasted 6 months". these words were motivation enough for me to not follow in that trend. august will be 6 months since my breakup, and i can honestly say that i have not wasted (all) that time wallowing, ive made a life changing decision and did something that was supposed to be for my happiness and so far its working. and it was definately worth it. every day is exciting and new for me. i cant wait to meet new friends and enjoy new experiences that would not have been made possible if i was still living for someone else. im not saying that everything is perfect just yet, but im making do with what i have and having a great time while im at it :)
the truth of the matter is in February of this year i had everything that i built up around myself in the past (nearly) 4 years come crumbling down (metaphorically of course). i had what i perceived to be a perfect relationship with a girl i was completely in love with. out of nowhere she came to me in december and said she wasnt happy, and i tried for two long months to not only reignite a spark in her but also fight for something that i thought was worth fighting for. ive been in many fights in my life (NOT bragging or proud of this fact) but this was the one fight i wish i could have won. but the fact is, there was no turning it around, there was no changing her mind for her heart was already made up and she was ready to move on. [her myriad of excuses are not worth repeating because i dont wish to paint her in a bad picture, i may have been bitter at one point but now i try not to hold any ill will.] so when the time came and she let me go it felt like i had nothing to stand on anymore. i made the mistake of putting her happiness in front of mine (a rookie mistake - my previous longest relationship was about 6 months), and in the long run i made too many sacrifices for her sake during those years and didnt really make a lot of decisions for myself. waiting for her to finish school i became complacent in life, and that in itself is a huge bum out to think about now.
so the hole was formed and i stayed in it for awhile. until one day a friend says "this isnt you, this bummed out emo guy isnt you at all. you're tim red. you're a fun loving guy. you always are so much fun and i hate seeing you like this." a spark was lit under my ass. the mission was simple - do something with my life and get out of this slump. but first, i had to get out of florida. and then thats when my best friend brian had a long talk with me about the possibility of moving out to denver. it took me three weeks to think over what my life would be like if i moved. i had to think of job oppurtunities (since the job market is terrible). i had to think about moving out of my comfort zone and into a place where i wouldnt be comfortable - at least not right away. I'd have to get used to not being around my friends or family that id gotten so close with in the past few years. and most of all, id have to get used to living for myself again instead of living for someone else.
but i made that decision and two months later here i sit and write this and i think to myself: i am a better man today than i was yesterday. i have made this decision for myself. i am finally living my life for me. i took a leap and i have landed on my feet running. im so motivated to make something of this transition that it has even surprised me. I've gone out and got a job within three weeks of being here through pure determination. i got a license, and switched my insurance over, and got a new tag and registration all making my residence here official. there are many more factors that have to come into play before this truly feels like "home" but i finally feel like ive made the right decision.
through life im guessing there are going to be many more tough decisions to be made. though this was probably the hardest decision i had to make in my life so far because it really did mean i was leaving everything behind to start a new life somewhere unfamiliar to me. I've had really good friends who have stepped up and made this transition easier. ive had strangers open their houses and hearts to me in ways i cant even begin to express my gratitude towards. and my family and friends that have been supportive every step of the way... my appreciation is uncanny.
in closing, my friend huffine said to me not too long ago: "ive been there before, the break up after the long relationship is rough. it took me close to 6 months to realize i just wasted 6 months". these words were motivation enough for me to not follow in that trend. august will be 6 months since my breakup, and i can honestly say that i have not wasted (all) that time wallowing, ive made a life changing decision and did something that was supposed to be for my happiness and so far its working. and it was definately worth it. every day is exciting and new for me. i cant wait to meet new friends and enjoy new experiences that would not have been made possible if i was still living for someone else. im not saying that everything is perfect just yet, but im making do with what i have and having a great time while im at it :)
Monday, July 5, 2010
MY FIRST POST IS GOING TO BE FROM THE JOURNAL I KEPT WHILE TRAVELING ACROSS THE UNITED STATES. ME AND MY COUSIN JORDAN WENT ON AN ADVENTURE BEFORE I MOVED TO DENVER COLORADO. THIS IS A DAY TO DAY OF WHAT ENSUED...
June 23rd
I left my sister kelly and cousin amber at the diner. Breakfast was
sufficient, I don't usually do breakfast but knew I needed something
in my system for the long journey ahead. My sister had surprised me
with a gas card for the trip. Still after all these years she looks
after me. It's a good feeling. After heartfelt hugs I was off, heading
on the turnpike towards the Georgia border. [florida-georgia]. Arrived
in douglasville and after a brief detour picked up cousin Jordan - she
was to be my road buddy and partner in crime on this road trip. Jumped
back on the highway and was headed north east. [Georgia-South Carolina-
North Carolina]. Arrived around 11pm at my parents place an settled in
for the night
June 24th
Woke up and had a liesure day with Jordan while my parents worked. We
watched hours of CSI while we mapped out our plan of attack for the
adventure (jordan had previous to this trip never been north of
virginia) and called all the loose ends to make sure we had places to
stay along the way. Had an amazing dinner with my parents, consisting
of omaha steaks and fresh vegetables from their garden. Was able to
show my dad my guns, something that I have wanted to do since I bought
them. My dad has a collection of guns and this was a definitive
bonding experience. I wish I would have gotten to see more of his
collection but I'm sure there are more trips to NC in store where this
could be accomplished. Me and Jordan watched Seinfeld reruns til we
passed out seeing as how this was going to be our only day with
nothing planned.
June 25th
Both my parents took off so we were able to hang out all day. We
started doing some early morning errands - didn't even get dettered
when I wasn't able to ship my guns through UPS. We went to ocharleys
for lunch and then went to the movies to see Grown Ups. We came home
and while my father and me checked on the truck - making sure the
fluids were good, tire pressure sufficient, and he even installed a
lock on my tailgate; my mother prepared her world famous lasagne
(reality of it is it's my FAVORITE thing to eat ever). Got to sleep
after watching a few recorded tv shows with the rents, we had an early
day and long drive ahead of us.
June 26th
Woke up early and had liberty diner breakfast, which seemed part of my
parents Saturday routine. It's so funny to see how much of my fathers
humor I have picked up on over the years and incorporated into my own.
He is still the funniest man I know and cracks me up everytime I am
around him. After hugs we left towards the nations capital. [north
Carolina-Virginia]. stopped at uncle randys to drop off the truck.
While waiting for Erin to pick us up we were able to hang out with
Randy chris and the kids, we even shared in a couple beers - much
welcomed after that 6 hour drive. After catching up we left towards
DC, stopping at the iwo Jima statue and Arlington cemetery, as well as
the jefferson memorial. We stopped at a burrito place and had
delicious dinner and then headed back to erins apartment. So began our
tour of air mattresses.
June 27th
Woke up early, almost got sidetracked because of an all day band of
brothers marathon on tv. We went to a local place for brunch. Here is where
I get to talk about how awesome and adorable my neice Caroline is...
It's so weird to actually want to take part in a childs upbringing
because I don't care for kids that much. But this is MY NEICE. Not
just any kid. I was able to hold her multiple times and even got to
feed her - a small feat for most but for me this was the first time I
have done something like this. Did I mention how adorable she is? Well
anyways after brunch Erin dropped us off at the mall where all the
monuments and smithsonian museums were so that we could walk around
and take in the history. Jordan wasn't as excited about the history as
she was the AC, but she had just as much fun I'm sure. We got to see
our share of the city before the sun kicked our butts and forced us to
go home. We met up with Erin and had petes pizza for dinner. Delicious
once again. Went back to the house and Jordan was quickly passes out
while me and Erin watched band of brothers an chatted. It was really
good to see her, and for those nonbelievers out there we got along
without one single argument. It's fun growing up and getting closer
with my siblings and family. It was actually Erin who was the one who
encouraged me to make a road trip out of this and not just a boring
move.
June 28th
Left DC early, it sucks we didn't get to see mike west more than we
did but he was jet lagged. Took the train to randys to pick up the
truck and then we were on our way towards the big apple. [DC-Maryland-
Delaware-new jersey]. We parked In a garage in jersey coty and took
the train into new York city. [new jersey-new York]. From there we
took the subway down to battery park but missed the ferry to the
statue of liberty. We then took a subway to grand central station, and
from there walked to the empire state building. Now as a precurser, I
am deathly afraid of heights. I get on the ferris wheel at the fair
and nearly crap myself I'm so scared. So I decided that this trip was
going to be more than just an adventure, I was going to overcome my
fear of heights just like I was overcoming my fear of moving out of my
comfort zone. We went to the top of the empire state building and it
was such a gorgeous view, and I wasn't as scared as I thought I'd be.
After that we visited time square. We ate at an Irish pub Obriens ( I
had a smithwics and shepards pie... Mmmmmmm) an then we headed back on
the train to jersey city. We lucked out that erins friend susi lived
there and offered us a place to stay. Her and michelle's place was
soooo beautiful, a 2 story penthouse loft overlooking new York cities
skyline. It was like one of those places you see on tv design shows.
June 29th
The plans changed after we left jersey, originally we were supposed to
head towards Ohio. But as luck would have it I contacted an old friend
who lived outside of Pittsburgh and decided to stop and see her - only
a small detour. [new york-Pennsylvania] Her name is Nikki, and she
seriously introduced me to the word love years back (before her I had
only said it/meant it to family members) we never dated or anything,
but I love her as a friend/person more than I ever will understand.
She treated us to Chinese food and we hung out before she went to
work. I didn't get ahold of my cousins in Ohio so we decided to stay a
little longer. Me and Jordan went and saw knight and day at the movies
while Nikki worked. Then after she got off we all went back to nikkis.
Jordan passed out again and me and Nikki caught up. Sucks we haven't
talked much in the past three years but I was preoccupied with a g/f
and Nikki had an absolutely adorable child take up her time. The only
constant in the past 6-7 years was her, no matter what b/f she had or
g/f I had we always loved each other. We picked back up like not a
step was missed, and even got to have one of our goofy photo sessions
like the old days. I didn't want to but eventually fell asleep in her
bed...
June 30th
Leaving nikkis embrace in the morning was the hardest part of this
trip so far, but we had a schedule and had to keep moving on. I asked
Nikki to marry me and move to Colorado, which she declined. A boy can
dream can't he? A quick kiss and we were back on the road. We Headed
to Sandusky Ohio to go to cedar point amusement park. [Pennsylvania-
Ohio] the park was a ton of fun, we went on 4 roller coasters in the
limited time we had considering the long lines. The scary one for me
was over 300 feet tall with an 80* descent at over 80mph. I was scared
out of my mind on the way up, Jordan was laughing at me cause my eyes
were closed. Well anyways I got sick after the 4th one, a wooden one
that threw us around like a battered wife. So we decided to leave the
park and head for Chicago. We had a lot of driving ahead of us still.
Since I wasn't feeling good Jordan got to get in her first driving of
the trip. [ohio-indiana-illinois] We arrived in chicago around 9:00
(after time change) and stayed at aunt lindas and karis townhome. This
is when the road trip started getting to me an Jordan, we were
fighting like an old married couple... But got past it pretty quick
July 1st
We had breakfast with aunt Linda before heading out for the day. Got
on the train heading into the city (by this time me and Jordan had
become comfortable with train rides into big cities) where we met up
with cousin Kelly Ryan. She was to be our your guise of the city of
Chicago. We visited the bean in millenium park, and then walked along
lake Michigan (me and Jordans first time seeing the great lakes)
towards navy pier. We then headed to the taste of Chicago in grant
park and got to see the giant fountain that is from the show married
with children. From there we walked to the willis tower, formerly the
sears tower. We went to the 103 floor observation deck, and this was
the biggest test of my fear yet - a glass floor platform that extended
off the building. Holy shit was this the scariest thing I have done in
my life, stepping out on the platform and looking straight down. Got a
couple pics to document and then literally leaped back to safety and
hugged the inner walls. We left there and jumped back on the train out
of the city. Big thank you to cousin kelly who we had a lot of fun
exploring the city with. We then met up with aunt Linda and Kari and
went out to dinner with other family members that lived up there
(Ralph, Karen, Nancy, aunt Dell). Got to sleep kinda early cause we
planned on a lot of driving the next day
July 2nd
Probably the most uneventful part of the trip so far. The road has
drained us, and we decided that we wanted to make it to Denver as
quickly as possible to get out of this truck. so we were hard
determined to drive as far as we could til we got too tired. [illinois-
missouri] We stopped in st louis to take pics at the gateway arch
(sucks the line was too long to wait to go up in it). Headed back on
the road and stopped in Kansas city for some Mexican food for dinner.
Quickly back on the road heading through the exciting state of Kansas
[Missouri-Kansas]. Stopped in a hotel for the night, the first time on
the trip we weren't fortunate to have someone to stay with.
July 3rd
finally made it to denver after a 5 hour drive. [kansas-colorado]. what a relief it was to finally
make it to my destination. my new home. met up with brian and holly, the
only friends i have here, at their home. which is absolutely beautiful. we
went to where ill be living, with hollys sister melanie, and unloaded all my
stuff out of the truck... i was really surprised that the truck made it all
across the united states with no problems. We all went to a place called
Stuebens and it was wonderful. my first meal in my new home was
delicious. definately a plus. went back to brians and hung out for the rest
of the evening.
i dont really know what denver holds for me, but i really
am looking forward to tackling it with open arms. this is where my new
chapter begins... are you willing to come along for the ride?
June 23rd
I left my sister kelly and cousin amber at the diner. Breakfast was
sufficient, I don't usually do breakfast but knew I needed something
in my system for the long journey ahead. My sister had surprised me
with a gas card for the trip. Still after all these years she looks
after me. It's a good feeling. After heartfelt hugs I was off, heading
on the turnpike towards the Georgia border. [florida-georgia]. Arrived
in douglasville and after a brief detour picked up cousin Jordan - she
was to be my road buddy and partner in crime on this road trip. Jumped
back on the highway and was headed north east. [Georgia-South Carolina-
North Carolina]. Arrived around 11pm at my parents place an settled in
for the night
June 24th
Woke up and had a liesure day with Jordan while my parents worked. We
watched hours of CSI while we mapped out our plan of attack for the
adventure (jordan had previous to this trip never been north of
virginia) and called all the loose ends to make sure we had places to
stay along the way. Had an amazing dinner with my parents, consisting
of omaha steaks and fresh vegetables from their garden. Was able to
show my dad my guns, something that I have wanted to do since I bought
them. My dad has a collection of guns and this was a definitive
bonding experience. I wish I would have gotten to see more of his
collection but I'm sure there are more trips to NC in store where this
could be accomplished. Me and Jordan watched Seinfeld reruns til we
passed out seeing as how this was going to be our only day with
nothing planned.
June 25th
Both my parents took off so we were able to hang out all day. We
started doing some early morning errands - didn't even get dettered
when I wasn't able to ship my guns through UPS. We went to ocharleys
for lunch and then went to the movies to see Grown Ups. We came home
and while my father and me checked on the truck - making sure the
fluids were good, tire pressure sufficient, and he even installed a
lock on my tailgate; my mother prepared her world famous lasagne
(reality of it is it's my FAVORITE thing to eat ever). Got to sleep
after watching a few recorded tv shows with the rents, we had an early
day and long drive ahead of us.
June 26th
Woke up early and had liberty diner breakfast, which seemed part of my
parents Saturday routine. It's so funny to see how much of my fathers
humor I have picked up on over the years and incorporated into my own.
He is still the funniest man I know and cracks me up everytime I am
around him. After hugs we left towards the nations capital. [north
Carolina-Virginia]. stopped at uncle randys to drop off the truck.
While waiting for Erin to pick us up we were able to hang out with
Randy chris and the kids, we even shared in a couple beers - much
welcomed after that 6 hour drive. After catching up we left towards
DC, stopping at the iwo Jima statue and Arlington cemetery, as well as
the jefferson memorial. We stopped at a burrito place and had
delicious dinner and then headed back to erins apartment. So began our
tour of air mattresses.
June 27th
Woke up early, almost got sidetracked because of an all day band of
brothers marathon on tv. We went to a local place for brunch. Here is where
I get to talk about how awesome and adorable my neice Caroline is...
It's so weird to actually want to take part in a childs upbringing
because I don't care for kids that much. But this is MY NEICE. Not
just any kid. I was able to hold her multiple times and even got to
feed her - a small feat for most but for me this was the first time I
have done something like this. Did I mention how adorable she is? Well
anyways after brunch Erin dropped us off at the mall where all the
monuments and smithsonian museums were so that we could walk around
and take in the history. Jordan wasn't as excited about the history as
she was the AC, but she had just as much fun I'm sure. We got to see
our share of the city before the sun kicked our butts and forced us to
go home. We met up with Erin and had petes pizza for dinner. Delicious
once again. Went back to the house and Jordan was quickly passes out
while me and Erin watched band of brothers an chatted. It was really
good to see her, and for those nonbelievers out there we got along
without one single argument. It's fun growing up and getting closer
with my siblings and family. It was actually Erin who was the one who
encouraged me to make a road trip out of this and not just a boring
move.
June 28th
Left DC early, it sucks we didn't get to see mike west more than we
did but he was jet lagged. Took the train to randys to pick up the
truck and then we were on our way towards the big apple. [DC-Maryland-
Delaware-new jersey]. We parked In a garage in jersey coty and took
the train into new York city. [new jersey-new York]. From there we
took the subway down to battery park but missed the ferry to the
statue of liberty. We then took a subway to grand central station, and
from there walked to the empire state building. Now as a precurser, I
am deathly afraid of heights. I get on the ferris wheel at the fair
and nearly crap myself I'm so scared. So I decided that this trip was
going to be more than just an adventure, I was going to overcome my
fear of heights just like I was overcoming my fear of moving out of my
comfort zone. We went to the top of the empire state building and it
was such a gorgeous view, and I wasn't as scared as I thought I'd be.
After that we visited time square. We ate at an Irish pub Obriens ( I
had a smithwics and shepards pie... Mmmmmmm) an then we headed back on
the train to jersey city. We lucked out that erins friend susi lived
there and offered us a place to stay. Her and michelle's place was
soooo beautiful, a 2 story penthouse loft overlooking new York cities
skyline. It was like one of those places you see on tv design shows.
June 29th
The plans changed after we left jersey, originally we were supposed to
head towards Ohio. But as luck would have it I contacted an old friend
who lived outside of Pittsburgh and decided to stop and see her - only
a small detour. [new york-Pennsylvania] Her name is Nikki, and she
seriously introduced me to the word love years back (before her I had
only said it/meant it to family members) we never dated or anything,
but I love her as a friend/person more than I ever will understand.
She treated us to Chinese food and we hung out before she went to
work. I didn't get ahold of my cousins in Ohio so we decided to stay a
little longer. Me and Jordan went and saw knight and day at the movies
while Nikki worked. Then after she got off we all went back to nikkis.
Jordan passed out again and me and Nikki caught up. Sucks we haven't
talked much in the past three years but I was preoccupied with a g/f
and Nikki had an absolutely adorable child take up her time. The only
constant in the past 6-7 years was her, no matter what b/f she had or
g/f I had we always loved each other. We picked back up like not a
step was missed, and even got to have one of our goofy photo sessions
like the old days. I didn't want to but eventually fell asleep in her
bed...
June 30th
Leaving nikkis embrace in the morning was the hardest part of this
trip so far, but we had a schedule and had to keep moving on. I asked
Nikki to marry me and move to Colorado, which she declined. A boy can
dream can't he? A quick kiss and we were back on the road. We Headed
to Sandusky Ohio to go to cedar point amusement park. [Pennsylvania-
Ohio] the park was a ton of fun, we went on 4 roller coasters in the
limited time we had considering the long lines. The scary one for me
was over 300 feet tall with an 80* descent at over 80mph. I was scared
out of my mind on the way up, Jordan was laughing at me cause my eyes
were closed. Well anyways I got sick after the 4th one, a wooden one
that threw us around like a battered wife. So we decided to leave the
park and head for Chicago. We had a lot of driving ahead of us still.
Since I wasn't feeling good Jordan got to get in her first driving of
the trip. [ohio-indiana-illinois] We arrived in chicago around 9:00
(after time change) and stayed at aunt lindas and karis townhome. This
is when the road trip started getting to me an Jordan, we were
fighting like an old married couple... But got past it pretty quick
July 1st
We had breakfast with aunt Linda before heading out for the day. Got
on the train heading into the city (by this time me and Jordan had
become comfortable with train rides into big cities) where we met up
with cousin Kelly Ryan. She was to be our your guise of the city of
Chicago. We visited the bean in millenium park, and then walked along
lake Michigan (me and Jordans first time seeing the great lakes)
towards navy pier. We then headed to the taste of Chicago in grant
park and got to see the giant fountain that is from the show married
with children. From there we walked to the willis tower, formerly the
sears tower. We went to the 103 floor observation deck, and this was
the biggest test of my fear yet - a glass floor platform that extended
off the building. Holy shit was this the scariest thing I have done in
my life, stepping out on the platform and looking straight down. Got a
couple pics to document and then literally leaped back to safety and
hugged the inner walls. We left there and jumped back on the train out
of the city. Big thank you to cousin kelly who we had a lot of fun
exploring the city with. We then met up with aunt Linda and Kari and
went out to dinner with other family members that lived up there
(Ralph, Karen, Nancy, aunt Dell). Got to sleep kinda early cause we
planned on a lot of driving the next day
July 2nd
Probably the most uneventful part of the trip so far. The road has
drained us, and we decided that we wanted to make it to Denver as
quickly as possible to get out of this truck. so we were hard
determined to drive as far as we could til we got too tired. [illinois-
missouri] We stopped in st louis to take pics at the gateway arch
(sucks the line was too long to wait to go up in it). Headed back on
the road and stopped in Kansas city for some Mexican food for dinner.
Quickly back on the road heading through the exciting state of Kansas
[Missouri-Kansas]. Stopped in a hotel for the night, the first time on
the trip we weren't fortunate to have someone to stay with.
July 3rd
finally made it to denver after a 5 hour drive. [kansas-colorado]. what a relief it was to finally
make it to my destination. my new home. met up with brian and holly, the
only friends i have here, at their home. which is absolutely beautiful. we
went to where ill be living, with hollys sister melanie, and unloaded all my
stuff out of the truck... i was really surprised that the truck made it all
across the united states with no problems. We all went to a place called
Stuebens and it was wonderful. my first meal in my new home was
delicious. definately a plus. went back to brians and hung out for the rest
of the evening.
i dont really know what denver holds for me, but i really
am looking forward to tackling it with open arms. this is where my new
chapter begins... are you willing to come along for the ride?
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