i dont know where it came from, but for as long as i can remember ive been afraid of heights. when i was really young i knew it didnt effect me as much as it does now. i remember a trip to oregon years ago when me and my mother were the only ones that werent afraid of going on a lift up the huge mountain side. nowadays that would scare me to death.

then i started to notice/realize something on my trip/move out to colorado. i noticed, maybe subconsciously, that i decided to take on my fear of heights head on. the first sign of this was in NYC when i decided to go up to the top of the empire state building. it was scary, but not as scary as i thought it was going to be. then we went to cedar point in ohio, where i went on a 300 foot tall roller coaster with an 80* drop, that was scary as all hell - my heart still beats heavy when i think about that incline! then the real test came when we visited chicago and we went all the way up in the Willis tower (formerly sears tower). there was a glass bottom booth that you could walk out on, 103 stories up. this was honestly one of the scariest moments of my life: my heart was pumping, testosterone flowing, i was literally scared stiff. but i did it, i was scared but i still tested my limits and did these things. the next test was when i first got to denver, driving up the side of mount evans, where we were literally going up a road that was 14000 feet up, windy roads with no guard rails looking over straight drop offs, at times i couldnt look out the car windows, at times i forced myself too. i wanted to face my fear.

after that i kinda thought, well i can do this, i can face my fear of heights at every turn. this was thwarted of course sunday night when my friend mags decided to bring me up on top of the denver convention center. we had to climb some fences because the roof was off limits, but we succeeded in getting all the way up on the roof. now the real test came: there was an inclined part of the roof that went up higher, and because i am the over-analyzer i am, i looked at the structural integrity, felt the little wind gust, and with better judgment decided against going any further up. i know people have been up there before, in groups, and probably heavy amounts of snow too, i just dont know why my instincts were to not try it out. yesterday in colorado springs, as me and nina were driving around the mountains the urge to test my fear came over me again. i got out numerous times at points that were right near large cliffs, and decided i could stand there without fear and take pictures. it was awesome, and it felt so great to say to myself i was doing something i knew i was afraid to do, something i knew a couple months before that i would never be doing. the feeling was awesome.


so now comes the point in the story where i am trying to tell myself to start tackling another fear of mine. this fear, only came about recently, and its absolutely crippling. its my fear of putting myself out there to be hurt again. for many months i have tried to turn off my feelings, and in turn i have turned off myself to other people. im afraid of meeting people. more importantly i am afraid of meeting someone that is right for me, that i could possibly have a relationship with. i am afraid of getting hurt in the long run again, and that is no way to live. i really have to get out there and learn from my mistakes and let someone else prove me wrong that all women arent thoughtless and incredibly selfish individuals. i know im just bitter, and i know im still hurting, but i want to be able to open up and just love like i once loved my ex. that genuine love. that life shattering love. that full of promise love. that hope. that kinda love. to find that, im going to have to open up again, im going to have to put myself out there, and most importantly im going to have to tackle my fear of getting hurt again. i never was afraid to fight. i never was afraid of getting hurt. i never was afraid of much but now every day im afraid to let people in because of this fear of getting trampled emotionally. friends and females alike. but this, this is my new goal. to over come. to tackle it. to face it head on. to break through this fear and come out a new man on the other side. ready to live. and ready to love. it still may take some time but i am hoping i am ready.